Google ‘the devil’s Tic-Tacs steroids’ and you’ll find a lot of mentions of the drugs I’ve been on since July - Prednisolone.
I’m not a complete newbie to the drug. I haven’t taken it before but my Mum has for a number of months and I remember how hard she found it. You start out full of energy and euphorically happy and then you eventually have to taper off them because they’re incredibly destructive drugs too.
I’ve spent the past week on just one/5mg pill a day. That’s a big drop from the early days of 8/40mg. Since Friday, I’ve been entirely steroid free and it’s been HARD.
Really hard. Like, ‘how did things get even harder?!’ hard.
Since about last Tuesday, my brain has been increasingly wonky. I’ve been incredibly anxious which isn’t great when I’m generally rather anxious. This is some kind of 100x form of anxiety. It vaguely reminds me of years ago when I’d be awake all night scared at the slightest noise because my Dad had just died and I saw some really horrific stuff while watching him die. (if there’s truly such thing as a ‘peaceful’ death, my Dad suffered the exact opposite).
Anyway, this anxiety is exhausting and horrible. My brain is far from my friend. Instead, it wants to cry at everything, worry about everything, leap to the absolute worst case scenarios, and generally make me feel like I’m never going to feel ok mentally again.
I know it’s lying. Honest. But it’s also really hard to accept it’s lying too. Right now, it wants me to push away some of my closest friends as a form of self preservation. Is there a logic behind it? Ever so slightly. EVER SO SLIGHTLY. That’s the thing with right now. My brain is taking a basic calculation and going ‘let’s turn it into the most complicated algebraic equation ever instead’ and it’s really tough. I don’t trust my brain but what do you trust when you can’t even trust your own thoughts?
Honestly, I’m finding it harder to deal with than the physical symptoms I’ve had in the past (touch wood - doing okish there right now).
By Friday, it was messing me up enough that I couldn’t concentrate on anything so here I am, on a Sunday morning, working because I need to catch up. Bleh.
I can think of things to be anxious about - of course - but I’m fairly confident that even if I didn’t have much to worry about, I’d have found something or decided that everyone hated me. It’s ridiculous.
I can see why now that someone I know was once given an 8 week course of preds and quit them after 2 weeks because they couldn't face the steroids withdrawal again.
It’s a really weird switch after last weekend being so enjoyable and making me feel human again. So, I guess that’s a good example that this isn’t me, this is the drugs leaving my symptom. They affect your adrenal gland most importantly, and I don’t think my adrenal gland has a clue what it’s doing just yet. It will. Soon. But ugh. I want this part to fade and fast.
P.S: Had my flu and pneumonia jabs so I’m done with needles for a few weeks yet. Phew.