I’m starting to think most of the weeks are a bit of a rollercoaster. They definitely have been since I was diagnosed in July. I thought the endometriosis diagnosis at the start of the year was a bit hectic for my emotions but that’s been under control since my operation so it’s kinda ok (TOUCH WOOD). Crohn’s is a different beast.
The start of the week involved my COVID booster jab except it wasn’t a booster. It was a third jab because my immune system is so weak/rubbish that I’m considered severely immune suppressed which means the original two jabs won’t be enough for me to fend off COVID. This was simultaneously amazing news and terrifying. On the one hand, yay! I’m getting the best level of protection I can possibly get. I have to go back in six months for my actual booster jab and I have a sneaky suspicion I’ll be back six months after then too. I’ll end up with three vaccine cards. One that has my original two jabs, one that has my third jab and then a third one (which is blue. The nurse seemed excited that it would be blue) when I have my booster shot in April. Lots of cardboard cards then.
On the other hand, it reallllllly unsettled me. See, I got a very different experience with this jab than I did the first two. The first two, I went in as a ‘healthy’ person and had to join a looooooong queue of other healthy people and then the nurses were nice but it was all very quick and simple. I remember struggling to stand for that long as it took ages to get to the sitting bit so, you know, I wasn’t healthy but none of us knew what the issue was back then.
This time around, it was a very quiet mass vaccination centre (my local one used to be an abandoned Ford factory. It’s a bit….dystopian). I had a really personal service. A nice nurse came along and asked me what felt like 100 questions about my health and what medication I was on and she was SO kind. The previous ones were kind but this was super kind. Just very considerate about all my needs. I told her how I bruise really easily because of the steroids I’m on and she tried this special trick to reduce the bruising from the injection and IT WORKED. No bruise!
It was fantastic service and yet I was left thinking ‘OMG I’M SO VULNERABLE’ because erm…I am. And I’m still not quite ok with those reminders just yet. I’m strong Jen. I’m the one that looks out for ill people and is always fine. And I’m not this person any more. I can be this person but still, it’s going to be a juggling act.
So, I left feeling simultaneously better for my chances of getting through the pandemic and feeling more vulnerable than ever. It knocked my mood for a few days. I was lucky and had relatively few side effects. I was tired and had a splitting headache. My brain felt foggy for the rest of the day (which made helping my Mum when she cut her finger open cooking dinner a bit tricky!) but I did ok.
Work was busy and I don’t think that helped mentally. I’m starting to see some connections there and I’m increasingly aware I’m going to need to make some more changes there. At least for a couple of months.
Alongside all that, I’m officially down to one steroid a day which is great news after 3 and a half months of them and all the side effects they bring but again, I think tapering off is affecting me a bit.
HOWEVER, the week ended well. I spent Saturday out with a good friend for a belated birthday celebration. We went to the cinema in the morning in a bid to avoid the crowds so we could see Dune. Before then, we went to a guitar shop for him to get his guitar fixed and for me to try to learn some complicated things about the instrument (I know very little but it was fascinating watching two people discuss them passionately!)
Once we got to the cinema, we managed to sit away from people but it was a bit busy and basically no one wore a mask or seemed that fussed about anything pandemic-y. It was definitely unsettling but also worth it. I only really felt truly anxious when my friend had to nip off to the loo. The moment he walked away, I could feel the anxiety kick in which was ridiculous. He can’t fend off a virus for me and yet, I was immediately relieved when he returned, sitting next to me as a small buffer between some people that were a few seats away.
I didn’t love the film as much as I’d hoped but I was glad to go. We hadn’t been to the cinema together since March 2020. Just before the pandemic hit and when I was having investigations for my health and ohh, it feels like a lifetime ago.
After that, we went for a hot drink at a place I’ve wanted to try for, well, 18 months or so? It’s a small independent coffee shop in our local market and it was great. By coincidence, we bumped into friends of my friend so we chatted to them from a distance. I felt a little unsettled any time someone maskless walked past but I felt alive. A Saturday with a friend and acting like the world was normal? Just what my soul needed despite the underlying anxiety.
From there, we went to a few other shops. HMV, Waterstones, the places we both love to browse. It was good. We went to a local vegan food shop too and bought some stuff. My friend treated me to vegan Mexican cheese for my birthday. It’s delicious.
We left vowing to do it all again some time. Crucially, he was a good wingman for my anxiety. Regularly checking I was ok and I felt safer knowing it wasn’t just me looking out for dangers.
A part of me will definitely worry for the next 5-7 days or so that I’ll catch ‘it’ but I’m left thinking of what my IBD nurse said - that it’s a trade off mental and physical health. It did my mental health the world of good. I’ll take it. I’m on these drugs for at least a year and the pandemic isn’t going anywhere, it seems.
I plan on being far more cautious for the next week. As a kind of reset I guess. My biggest trip out may well be to go for my flu/pneumonia jab on Wednesday, I’m worn out today. I was out from 9 till 5 yesterday. I can’t remember the last time I did that, but that’s ok. I had that day of normality and it felt GOOD.