I turned the week around nicely. Last weekend, I cried at mostly everything. A mixture of steroids tapering down (then back up) and a rough week of juggling far too much work, health admin, and other stuff took it out of me. I’m slowly starting to accept it’s ok to feel all the emotions and to crumble from time to time but I’m still not a fan of it because why would anyone be?
In some ways, the lowest part was when I was watching a film with a friend (a friend. Sitting next to me! The only friend I currently feel ok doing that with because, you know, sucky immune system) and I still felt low to the point I’d occasionally have tears in my eyes for no proper reason.
I didn’t tell him. It felt weird to mention it. How do you explain you just feel sad? The next day, I felt cheated out of a rejuvenating evening with them though.
Anyway, things are better now. The steroids have kicked in a bit more. That means occasional manic moments, a mixture of good and bad days symptoms wise, but a general sense that I can cope. Everything has felt a bit more alive again. I’m tired. Desperately tired. I have one more week to go until I take two weeks off. I haven’t taken proper time off since the start of April and a LOT has happened since then. In the last few months, amongst infusions, tests, and medical procedures, I’ve only actually taken one full working day off and I’ve worked some weekends too. It’s been mental.
I’m apprehensive of the two weeks off because it’s two weeks with my thoughts and I still have very mixed feelings about my impending birthday (but I am trying to make some safe plans for it) but on the other hand, the idea of two weeks off from ALL the responsibilities feels good. Sure, I have a few medical things to deal with (of course!) and the uncertainty of my body on a daily basis (yesterday, I woke up with bad back ache and hands and feet that felt really inflamed. Made typing for work ‘amazing’) but I’ll have less to juggle and that’s very important.
Current plans? All the games. All I really want to do is play games. Endlessly. Cocoon myself in a bubble of pretending everything is just great by playing all things Switch, PC, Xbox Series X, PlayStation 5…you get the idea. I’ll come back to my plans nearer the time. For now, I’m mostly playing Skyrim (yet again) and replaying Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart to gaze at it on a new TV. Reckon the latter will be done soon enough so I’ll move onto the next game. Maybe Astro thingy that came with the PS5? Somehow I started it then got distracted.
Oh and I’ll work on sprucing this place up. There’s just so much to juggle! Maybe I could do with some steroid-based mania, huh?…Nah. I despise not quite being able to trust my brain still. It’s going to continue into November and bleh. If you can’t trust your brain or your body, what can you trust? Ohh, yes - games!
One more week…I can do it.
Glad to hear you're feeling a bit brighter. A week or so of catching up on stuff you've missed sounds like a good idea to keep your mind occupied - though make sure it's not *too* much of a busman's holiday. :) It is very different when you don't feel any responsibility in what you're playing, though - you can take your time, quit something when it stops being enjoyable etc. Would definitely recommend Astro if you can find time for it - such a bright, uplifting game.