The past week has been a bit of a struggle which is why I haven’t posted. The steroids are tapering down (well, they’re not now…back to that in a minute) and it’s affected my moods and energy level massively. They affect the adrenal gland, taking over cortisol production amongst other things. Basically, your body forgets how to do it for itself meaning tapering off is rough. You lose your ‘spark’ as I call it while your body relearns old habits.
I’ve definitely been feeling that. Negative thoughts are more prominent and just a general lack of enthusiasm for much. I’ve pushed through and met all my work deadlines but I’m not feeling the buzz I should and relaxing in the evenings just feels like using up time. Stuff is hurting more. Digestion isn’t great…
BUT…the steroids are going back up now. And, despite what I just said, I don’t actually want them to!
I spoke to my consultant yesterday about my progress and he’s concerned that my symptoms have come back too fast (which also hasn’t helped my mood) so my steroid dosage is being increased again for the next month so that I can taper off in time for my next injection which should hopefully make a difference.
It’s exhausting to deal with, both physically and mentally. Simply put, I’m sick of having to constantly think of how things can improve in the long-term while right now, most days feel like some form of battle and like I’m treading water for a theoretical better future.
I know it’ll come but when you feel really low and not yourself, you want and need to feel like yourself again today. Not in a future where there isn’t a specific timeline.
I’m taking some time off soon for my birthday in October. I’m dreading my birthday but I’m looking forward to not having to juggle everything with work for a bit. Hoping it’ll rejuvenate me a bit.
For now though? Yeah, not much spark in this battle right now.